An English Teacher Under Quarantine in South Korea

Night Five: Two Good Articles on the Korean Herald

Two good articles on the Korean Herald.  The first is by Paul Kerry, who we’ve spoken to a few times over the last few days.  The KH is actually one of the only newspapers to show any real interest in this situation, or at least enough to call up and ask questions and double check facts.

http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/NEWKHSITE/data/html_dir/2009/05/29/200905290007.asp

The second is an opinion piece by Rob Ouwehand (Roboseyo), who brings up some great points about the potential for xenophobia this situation could cause (and according to many emails I get, has already happened).  I think anyone who’s lived here for any amount of time will tell you that Korea’s a wonderful place but the local sentiment is often that every bad thing happening south of the 38th parallel is the result of dirty, evil, drug using, fire breathing foriegners.  

North Korea detonating nukes?  Obama’s fault.
Ex Presidents taking headers off a hill?  North Koreas Fault, which was Obama’s fault, so he’s a murderer.

Oh, and here’s the awesome article. 

http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/NEWKHSITE/data/html_dir/2009/05/29/200905290006.asp

Also, apparently my temperature is normal according to the nurse who just ear raped me with a thermometer.  She looked so nervous to be around me she just jammed it in there all the way to the cerebellum.

Night Five: Guest Blog!

The following article is posted by a fellow detainee here.  

The Hole That M—- Built

So Soju is an incredible alcohol.

Those of you who haven’t had it just think of sake without the diarrhea taste.  You can drink a shit load of it before you’re even starting to get drunk.  Later on in the night is a different story however of mindless wandering bantering and singing on rooftops with short Australian kids.

Anyway my story is one that got around the detainment building real fast and I blame soju for most of it but crazy Koreans who lock doors for the rest.

So I’d say this all begins at about 3:00 am after downing about a liter of this wonderful drink of the gods. Just about 20 minutes earlier I was sitting out on a side step (through an emergency exit) with a friend of mine. We shot the shit for a while and then went back in. My friend decided to go to bed but for those of you who know me a drunk night isn’t over until some external force compels me to slumber. So in a slight drunken stupor I go to my room, take my pants off but decide to go out for one last smoke. So picture a drunk asshole in his underoos and Chairman Mao shirt stumbling out the emergency exit unaware of the fact that within this time the Koreans in charge locked all the doors.

So yeah it was a nice little smoke and I was starting to get sleepy. Mostly out of boredom cause I was the only guy still up. I hoist my pasty ass up and grab the door latch.

LOCKED!

This is a multi level building so I run to the upstairs emergency door.

LOCKED!

So then I go to the bottom level door.

LOCKED AS WELL!

So I’m completely locked OUT of a detainment building which has got to be a felony of some sort for ‘attempting’ to escape. Now the only way now to get back in is through the front which is crawling with Korean officials in their little masks and white coats. I’m in my underwear still mind you, eyes bloodshot and hair completely sideways (this apparently is the form soju takes on your face. I was a ‘soju superman’ if you will) So not only do I want to avoid officials thinking I’m sneaking out but they really don’t fucking need to know I’m shitfaced.

So the logical thing for me to do (this is when I start blaming soju) is to sneak in on a lower level. Oh I don’t have any shoes either by the way. So I wander through the darkness of a strange new world trying to find a way onto the roof. This is the closest I’ve felt to an escaped convict but they at least have a jumpsuit and boots. I felt more like an escaped holocaust victim. So after about 20 minutes of searching I think I find a way in.

In front of me seems to be a large pile of dirt with a narrow but very deep trench between us. But just on the other side of it is the fucking roof! Now picture this pile of dirt to be ground level. This actually was a hole in the ground that appeared like dirt came up to where my feet were. I wish I could explain this better so just bear with me. Ok great so drunken logic then tells me if I just hop on this dirt pile and walk across it it’s just a little skip onto this roof and I’m home free!

“Alright here I go,” I said. I spit on my hands, start swinging my arms stretch the old hamstrings, all the shit you see in cartoons before the big slapstick scene. “One, Two, Three!”

I leaped like Jesus would if he were on soju. And luckily I make the dirt pile. But in that same instant I realize it’s not a dirt pile at all. It’s a fucking canvas roof to a storage shed. Being made of canvas, my feet immediately slip and I fall on top of it.

“Ok no big deal just got to stand back up and walk across it.” I think to myself.

But this canvass was tissue paper thin so a hole rips in it large enough for me to plummet though. As my life flashed before my eyes I fall through this hole about 10 feet or so onto dirt and concrete. Not enough dirt to cushion my blow but just enough to get me filthy and imbed itself into the cuts and gashes I obtained during my dive.

I only lay there for a moment. My shoulder is beat to shit, my elbow is cut open and filled with AIDS or whatever and I’m sure I got the wind knocked out of me. But Soju man! It was my power and I hoisted myself out to escape this bunker. I gaze out of the hole I ripped and stared at the moonlight in longing and desperation but I had to complete my mission nonetheless. I wobble my way to an exit, my socks are jet black now and my back feels like a tractor rapped me. By this point I don’t care about sneaking in. I limp to the front and open the door to a bunch of gawking Koreans.

“Don’t arrest me!” I said. “I got locked out you cause you all locked the fucking doors. Don’t arrest me.”

So they poke and prod me for injuries. I feel like I’m in and S and M whore house. Lets just say it was all bad touches. So my night is now half way over. All I want to do now is go to bed but one of the officials said “we have to take you to hopital”

“What? No I’m fine.” I start doing a little Pinocchio dance to show I have no real joint damage. “See. I’m fine!”

“No.” they say. “It is for your health. We have to take you to hopital”.

So what was I going to do fight back?  I comply and they throw me in the back of and ambulance and we travel for like 20 minutes. They then throw me in a trailer with a bed and medical shit and make me wait another half and hour. Then a doctor comes in and pokes and prods me worse than the officials at the detainment facility. So this is what it feels like to be abducted by god damn aliens.

Then they told me I was fine which is exactly what I was trying to tell them an hour ago and send me back in an ambulance. Now by this point I’m so loopy from stress and still being in my underwear that I just begin to laugh about everything and nothing. They send me back to my room and I then out of stress begin to wander the halls looking for a guy with a lighter because I threw mine in the bushes after my dive of destiny. We weren’t allowed to smoke mind you so I didn’t want them to see my lighter. Why didn’t I put the lighter in my pocket? Because underwear don’t have fucking pockets!

Where was I? Ok so I wander around for another 15 to 20 minutes looking for this lighter but to no avail. The rest of the night is kind of a blur but I think I just went to bed pissed off and without nicotine.

So by the next morning I told one person this story and within the hour everyone here knew.

So what’s the moral to this story? I think every story should have one.

Honesty pays off in the long run?

Don’t drink to excess?

Day Five: Cereal for Breakfast!

Wake up, roll out of bed.  Present my ear to the nurse like a trophy so she can take my temperature.  36.3’ (97.4f).  

Felt pretty nauseous yesterday and a little out of it.  That kind of crappy disconnected ‘watching yourself from the 3rd person perspective’ as if you’re head’s floating above you.  I doubt it was the pig flu, but rather the Tamiflu.  I remember feeling similar last year when I had to take ten days worth of Zithromax over Christmas break because my quack doctor hadn’t given me enough antibiotics for my sinus infection and it ended out going resistant.  Medications suck.

In other news, there’s more about us up Xinhua news.  Haven’t seen any U.S. news rags picking up the story but still good to see some mentions.

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2009-05/28/content_11447390.htm

Looks like it’s going to be a warm day.  I hope they turn the AC on.

Night Four: OMG VISITORS!!1

A huge, HUGE thanks to Roboseyo, Benjamin Wagner, and the others whose names I didn’t catch who came by tonight to talk to us from the balconies.  That was a great boost to everyones spirits, and I do have to apologize if I rambled on incoherently like Tom Hanks in Castaway.  As my girlfriend just said wistfully while staring off at the distant city: “It’s just sooooo nice to see people…”

Yarp, we dun get too many visituhs round these here parts.

Seriously, it’s indescribable how uplifting outside contact with the world is.  Thanks again!  You fine folks are the reason why the expat community in Korea keeps us coming back to this funny little peninsula.

Night Four: Q & A

Q:  Have you seen anything in the American press about your situation?  I’ve been checking the New York Times, USA Today and the Washington Post for the past three days and still nothing.  Has anyone even contacted you?

A:  Several people here have contacted the U.S. press directly, via web, phone, or email, including myself personally.  I’ve also received quite a few emails from friends and family back in the west who have also contacted everything from local newspapers to global publications.  There hasn’t been a whole lot of interest at looking into the story expressed yet.

The Korean press, however, has been covering us.  The Korean Herald should be coming out with a piece soon.  I’ve been contacted by the JoongAng Daily via email as well, but haven’t heard back from them. 

Additionally, I see several mentions of us on TV here, usually buried way beneath the Norks with Nukes and the Ex-President taking a nosedive off a cliff.

Q: Have you heard anything about all English teachers being quarantined?  Not just ones in your center but in all of Korea?

A: If they want to round us all up, the best bet will be the Boreyeong Mud Festival.  Otherwise the government would have a helluva time and it’d turn into something between Benny Hill and Hot Zone.  So no, I haven’t heard anything about ALL foreign English teachers being rounded up yet. 

On a more serious note, I was told by a few people via email that those working for EPIK will have to go through a seven day home quarantine upon arrival in Korea.  I don’t know how it will be enforced, or if it’s just some higher ups attempt to project calm and control of the situation, or total BS.  Sounds a bit like standard Korea paranoia however so it could very well be true.

Q: What do people do for fun now that you’re in there for a few days.

A: Quarantine’s kind of like being in high school in a small town.  Not a whole lot to do ‘cept dream of ways to get out and head to the big city.  Most of us surf the web, play video games, watch movies, and sleep.  I’ve seen a lot of napping today.  Smoking cigarettes outside is sort of like when those rebels mom and dad warned you about hang out by the shopping mall and the guards get all miffed but can’t do anything about it until someone does something dumb and crosses the line.  Our school brought a ton of books by today so I’m sure people are going to be quite well versed in Jane Austen and Tolstoy by the time we’re out of here.  My girlfriend goes jogging on the balcony area to keep healthy and of course I blog about this whole silly mess far more than I probably should.

Night Four: Temperature Check

36.2’ (96.2f)

Glad I’m at normal range because I’ve had a headache for almost two weeks now and the hypochondriac in me is always paranoid I have some wacky new strain of A/H1N1.  

In other news, there’s got to be a circle of Hell solely for hardcore gamers where you watch your girlfriend play Xbox shooters but miss the enemies all the time.  

Me: “Dude, you missed him!”
Her: “I know!”
Me: “Oh no, you hit the Big Daddy!  Don’t use the camera, use the shotgun!”
Her: “How do you switch weapons again?”
Me: “Right Trigger!  RIGHT TRIGGER!”
Her: “Is this the shotgun?”
*blows herself up with the grenade launcher* 

If I keep up this backseat gaming I’ll get a much deserved Xbox controller imbedded in my skull.

Day Four: Blargh…

Tamiflu + Black Bean Noodles = Not a good feeling.

In other news, it’s been quiet all day.  People shuffling about in slippers like at a mental institute, to and fro, mainly keeping to their rooms.  The sounds of TV permeated the halls earlier.  Now it’s like a ghost town…

Took a nap while my girlfriend played BioShock on the Xbox and had the most bizarre dreams.  I actually woke up thinking I was in a 1950’s Utopia-gone-bad quarantine area with robots and possessed little girls skittering about until reality bled back in.

Day Four: The Voice of God Speaks Again

Jenny, who has the terrible job of delivering more or less only bad news passed down by the Ministry of Health over the P.A. system just came on to announce the following:

1. The Ministry of Health has said it is very disappointed with our attitude about the quarantine.
2. We should stay to our rooms 24/7 and always wear our masks in our rooms as well.
3. We should minimize contact to no less than 2 meters apart.
4. If we want to talk to each other, we should use the room to room telephone service.

I really do feel sorry for Jenny.  She more or less got the job of politely herding cats and she does it with such an awesome attitude and cheer.  Do I think people are going to stick to their rooms for the next 6 days?  I’d say it has about as good a chance as Korea giving Dokdo to Japan and saying: “Our bad, those rocks are your property.”

Like I mentioned to the head of our quarantine situation when we first got here.  He should take a look at what happened in Hong Kong earlier this year and how they handled the quarantine at the hotel.  But this being Korea and Korea being a fly-by-the-seat-of-its-pants country they’ll do their own thing in their own way.  Plus, I’d hate to be in the room when they have that conversation:

Top Quarantine Dude: “So we should copy what the Chinese did in Hong Kong, that seemed to work pretty well.”
Head of the Ministry of Health: “Copy the Chinese?  HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA!” 

I think they’re still having trouble understanding why we aren’t all exactly thrilled to be good little Confucian automatons and return to our Stasis Chambers and Power Down for until we receive further Directives.  

A guy walked by earlier and told a few of us sitting out in the foyer that we needed to return to our rooms.  We said: “Yes, but we can’t get internet in the rooms.  Could you set it up? Until then, we’re coming out.”  The look on his face was more or less: Does Not Compute.  Error.  Error.  Attempting to Reload.  ”You need go back to room.”

I felt sorry for him.  You could see the gears clicking in his head and a bit of smoke fuming from an overloaded processing unit.  Here he’s got tough job dealing with infectious dirty foreigners and they operate outside the boundries of his programming.  I think he shuffled off back to the Main Terminal in order to download more advanced Interaction Modules to his CPU.  That, or he’s probably downstairs rethinking why he listened to his parents and went into medicine when he really wanted to be a dancer!

Heck, with the change of plans constantly, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear they start giving us kimchi based masks because, after all, kimchi can cure bird flu!

I sound like I’m starting to get bitter.  I should imagine all the awesome things awaiting us on the outside.  The Tancheon River!  Norebangs!  A beautiful Korean summer!  Listening to my students attempt to sing: “I want nobody nobody but YOU!”

Incidentally, from what I heard last night people got a little rowdy around the wee hours, singing songs off the balconies and howling like wolves at the break of dawn.  I wish I had been awake to hear it, but I’m glad I got the first night of good rest in the last 5 days.  If people were singing off the balconies than I have to imagine somewhere in this building there’s an empty bottle of soju that’s feeling used and abused.  

Day Four: Good Morning!

8am wake up.  Roll out of bed, have my temperature taken by two nice polite Korean nurses (it’s normal, 36.4’).  I think they’re still freaked out to see two foreigners sleeping in a bed together.  I’ve thought it would be funny to hop up, drop pants, and spread cheeks, as if expecting a rectal temperature reading. 

Also, we made a little more news.  The New Tang Dynasty News has a brief account of our friend Mr. Joon Byung-yool, head of the K-CDC.  Also, does anyone think a news station named New Tang Dynasty sounds indistinguishable from a Chinese food restaurant.  I really expected to get a fortune cookie at the end of that segment.

http://english.ntdtv.com/ntdtv_en/ns_asia/2009-05-26/447869985257.html

Also, we just popped up on The Straits Times.  No it’s not a heterosexual themed news rag but a Singapore newspaper.  Boredom must be setting in again when I have to actually make fun of newspaper names.

http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/Asia/Story/STIStory_381823.html

Still no mention of the 50’ish of us in quarantine, but hey, I don’t mention my third nipple or super human strength either